Don’t Be Feminine

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

“Be more feminine”

If you’re a female-bodied person, you’re getting maddening mixed messages about "embracing your feminine.”

You should be softer — but carry your keys between your knuckles as you walk to your car.

You should be independent — though independence has been an absolute curse for men.

You should do it all — but release and rest in flow.

Here are thoughts from a male relationship coach who often works with women:

Polarity is a thing — yes — but take it with a grain of salt, and largely disregard what influencers want to impose on your personhood.

Whatever is most true for you — the fullest incarnation of your personality — is the best, most-feminine self you can bring to a relationship. 

YOUR fullness is the modern expression of femininity. Discard external ideas of how that’s supposed to look. 

Men want you when you’re centered, safe, and feel connected.

Instagram Femininity: An experiment or a setup?

Women who are trying to “be in their feminine” are setting up situationships and dependency by 

1) letting their man lead

2) waiting for him (rather than describing what they want) 

3) allowing him to control the pace and depth of connection

This is attractive to immature, posturing men who lack depth.

Taken the wrong way, this advice to be soft, flowing, receptive, “following,” etc. will limit how much of you shows up in a relationship. There will be parts of you that you fail to embody — and that disembodiment isn’t very… feminine.

However…

Polarity can help us get what we want in relationships

You can say what you want about gender as a social construct (it’s not). Polarity is an operable concept that you can use to influence the response from romantic partners.

By being more masculine and firm, you can provoke a partner’s femininity. And vice versa.

So, if your behavior is perceived as feminine, you’re more likely to attract a “masculine” partner.

If your behavior is perceived as masculine, yeah… same dynamic. 

The fullness of your selfhood trumps roleplay. Individual personalities are more consequential than gender themes. But the social signalling of dress, demeanor and appearance DO matter. 

The strange thing is, having the capacity for masculine behaviors will increase your access to femininity.

Why?

When a feminine person has the capacity to set boundaries, be unwavering, and act from her center amidst intensity, she’s better able to release into experiences of emotionality and flow.

The ability to assert your boundary makes it safe to release control and come into embodiment

A strong “no” creates safety for a strong “yes.”

Without some masculine worldliness, the feminine person is lost to the will of others. And she likely descends into solipsism and murky emotionality.

The reverse is true as well.

A man stuck in his masculine is brittle and dangerous.

A healthy man must be able to follow as well as lead. A desperate compulsion to be in control will limit a man’s ability to be in control — of himself or social situations. Or it will limit his ability to have a positive impact.

Men who are comfortable with emotions, embodiment, and relinquishing control to calculated risk are more grounded, present, and capable of holding the “masculine space.”

The yin-yang symbol shows this. Each polar energy contains a hint of the other.

These are dynamics that apply in relationships, but they need not be limitations.

If you’re a female human seeking better boundary-setting, somatic relationship coaching can help. It’s a chance to practice these skills (and more) within a safe, communicative container.

Role playing boundaries can bring old traumas and relational quirks to the surface so they’re released, leaving you with more power, more control, and more access to feminine “surrender” should it call to you.